“Volunteers and Parameters”
(Lights up. It is a Monday morning. GAYLE, TAMMY and AC are seated with their overnight baggage near them. LEE enters, a backpack hanging from his shoulder, sees everyone.)
LEE
Given everyone’s size, I must be in the right place.
GAYLE
(agitated) Excuse me?
LEE
Well, I mean... I didn’t mean to be insulting. I’m just as big as...
(Gayle glares. Lee looks DSR.)
Oh, look. A window. I’m sure the drop will kill me instantly. This’ll just take a sec.
(He crosses to it. Tammy and AC chuckle.)
Lee Delano, by the way.
(He holds a hand out to Tammy. She shakes it.)
TAMMY
Tammy Perdita.
LEE
Cool name.
TAMMY
Think so?
LEE
Sure do. It says something when you hear it.
TAMMY
Like what?
LEE
Don’t know. I wasn’t listening.
(He crosses to AC, putting his pack down.)
Lee.
AC
(Shakes Lee’s hand.)
A-C.
LEE
What’s that stand for?
AC
People just call me A-C.
LEE
That’s your name or what?
AC
Nickname. Albert Casper.
LEE
Albert? That must have sucked. Kids call you “Fat Albert” growing up?
AC
No. They called me A-C.
LEE
Why A-C?
AC
It’s a nickname.
LEE
(long beat) Cool.
(Awkward silence. MAGGIE enters from USC with a couple of duffle bags. Lee sees her.)
LEE
Thank gad. Another person.
(He crosses to her.)
MAGGIE
Hello.
LEE
Here, let me get this.
(Lee assists her into the commons with her bags.)
MAGGIE
(Looking around.)
This is it? I imagined it’d be bigger. How many of us are there?
TAMMY
They haven’t told us yet.
LEE
(Shakes Maggie’s hand.)
Lee Delano.
MAGGIE
Maggie Rudd.
LEE
Can I call you Mags?
MAGGIE
No.
TAMMY
(Waves.)
Tammy.
LEE
That’s A-C. Albert, but no one ever called him “Fat Albert.”
(AC holds a hand up. Lee gestures to Gayle.)
And I don’t know HER name, but I think she wishes me a painful accident.
MAGGIE
Why’s that?
LEE
I think I called her fat.
MAGGIE
You deserve it then.
LEE
I know.
(Maggie crosses to Gayle. They shake hands.)
GAYLE
Gayle Flowers.
MAGGIE
Maggie Rudd, but you can call me Mags.
LEE
Hey.
(DR. MARKUS enters from USC, holding a series of pamphlets. She looks around the room.)
DR. MARKUS
We’re missing one.
(Looks at her watch.)
Well, we better get started. I can fill him in on what he misses.
(Handing out pamphlets.)
My name is Dr. Jeanne Markus. I’m the director of testing here at the facility. Each of you have been selected to participate in our clinical trial for a new fat burning pill.
LEE
What is this?
DR. MARKUS
This is a pamphlet which describes the trail, your rights as a volunteer and the parameters of the project.
LEE
(Looks it over.)
There’s no information on what you’re looking to achieve.
DR. MARKUS
That’s because the client has deemed that information confidential.
LEE
Well, that’s no help to us.
TAMMY
Shouldn’t we know what effects to look for? Wouldn’t that help YOU.
DR. MARKUS
We already know what effects we’re looking for. All I am allowed to tell you is...we’re attempting to modify an appetite suppressant, which our client already has in phase four, do develop a pill that is more aggressive at burning away fat cells.
MAGGIE
Using natural herbs?
DR. MARKUS
(beat) That’s correct.
LEE
How’d you know that?
MAGGIE
Sunstar HERBAL SCIENCE Group.
LEE
Oh, duh.
GAYLE
What phase are WE in?
DR. MARKUS
Phase two.
LEE
What’s phase one?
DR. MARKUS
Phase one is where our technicians work with cells and non-human subjects.
AC
Like what?
DR. MARKUS
Hamsters, mice. We eventually graduate to dogs and monkeys. If we get positive results there, we graduate to phase two.
TAMMY
Interesting.
DR. MARKUS
Everyone has a pamphlet, correct? Please take a look at the first inside panel.
(They do so, as those standing take a seat.)
This describes the trial. As you’ve been told already. It is a four week trial and is designed to study the media’s potential influence on research participants’ health and motivation regarding its results.
TAMMY
Is that English?
DR. MARKUS
We’re looking for health defects which the media may cause.
AC
What do you mean “the media?”
LEE
The pill.
DR. MARKUS
Correct. We’re also looking to see if there is a point where you, the participant, wish to discontinue the trial due to effects of the media.
GAYLE
Discontinue. As in...
MAGGIE
If we give up.
(DEAN enters from USC with a canvas Army sack over his shoulder. He sees everyone.)
DEAN
Is this where they want fat people?
GAYLE
Oh gad, there’s another one.
DR. MARKUS
What is your name, sir?
DEAN
Dean Rafferty.
DR. MARKUS
Rafferty? Yes, this is you’re group.
DEAN
Great. If I had to hump this bag another leg, I’d be here testing for hernia reduction.
(He tosses his things to the ground.)
What’d I miss.
DR. MARKUS
I was just explaining the parameters of testing, Mister Rafferty.
(She hands him a pamphlet.)
DEAN
Ooh, literature.
DR. MARKUS
I was just explaining what our technicians will be looking for, as far as health responses to the media,..
MAGGIE
The pills.
DR. MARKUS (cont)
Its all on the first panel of the pamphlet.
DEAN
Cooky.
(He crosses and sits on the sofa between Gayle and Tammy.)
Hi. Dean.
TAMMY
I know. I heard.
DR. MARKUS
If we can continue... Everyone take a look at the next panel.
(They do so.)
This describes the kind’s of physical specimens we will be taking from you during the course of the next four weeks.
AC
Specimens?
GAYLE
Blood. Urine.
DR. MARKUS
Among others. Spore. Tissue.
LEE
How do you sample tissue?
DR. MARKUS
To perform a biopsy, we typically take tissue samples from the back of your arms. I expect no more than twice over the four weeks.
MAGGIE
Ouch.
DR. MARKUS
It will be a bit discomforting, but your technicians will help you through it. Moving on.
AC
How much are we getting for this?
DR. MARKUS
(beat) I had hoped to go into that after we went through the information.
AC
I think if you’re gonna’ keep me from walking out of this place right now, I need to know how much money we’ll be looking at.
DR. MARKUS
(beat) We determined participants in THIS study will receive forty-for hundred dollars.
TAMMY
Wow.
AC
I’ll stay.
DEAN
Good for me.
MAGGIE
Me too.
DR. MARKUS
Let’s keep going, please. (beat) The third panel discusses the parameters of the trial. This is to ensure our control group, meaning all of you, is not compromised with some sort of variable. A difference in diet, environment, which may separate you from other groups we currently have testing the same media, but for a different set of results.
DEAN
Give an example.
DR. MARKUS
Well, we don’t want anyone from this group having any excessive snacking between the meals we provide. You are not allowed to have foods we did not provide for you directly.
LEE
So the box of Twinkies stuffed in my underwear is off limits.
GAYLE
That’s safe to say for any food still in your underwear.
DR. MARKUS
Yes. Twinkies as a snack is a variable we can not have in this group.
AC
How about Twinkies as a meal?
DR. MARKUS
(ignoring) This actually brings me to an interesting point. It is VERY important everyone here realizes the importance of keeping this group controlled. Our contract with our client is very specific. If we have no concrete results, positive or negative, Sunstar does not get compensated. If this happens, participants do not get compensated.
MAGGIE
So, there’s a chance we won’t get the money.
AC
This is where I go.
(He stands.)
DR. MARKUS
As long as everyone eats the meals provided, follows the parameters of the trials and provides us with the appropriate samples, the facility will have all the information it needs and you will all receive your stipend.
(AC pauses a moment and sits again.)
LEE
(reading) “Bowel movements will be collected in designated containers at least once a day.”
DEAN
How big are the containers?
DR. MARKUS
About the size of a Cool Whip container. They are located under the sinks in both facilities.
DEAN
I don’t know. Mine get pretty hefty. I took a shit once so big, the federal government assigned it a social security number.
TAMMY
Yummy.
MAGGIE
(Reading on.)
We’re getting LOCKED IN?
(Everyone else checks the pamphlet.)
DR. MARKUS
Yes. This is standard practices for groups like this one. Diet is the utmost importance, and we can not have desperate participants sneaking out to break into the cafeteria. We’ve had that happen at our west coast facility.
LEE
You don’t think that’s a little extreme?
DR. MARKUS
Yes, I do. Unfortunately, these are the parameters set by the client to ensure their results.
TAMMY
Are there phones in our rooms?
DR. MARKUS
There is no telephone in housing, no.
MAGGIE
Some of us have kids we’ll need to check on.
TAMMY
Yes.
DR. MARKUS
Between the hours of seven A-M and ten P-M, you can press that red call button by the entrance if you wish to request anything. If you need to make a phone call, you will be escorted to the technician’s lounge. We ask you keep your calls under ten minutes and limited to once a day.
DEAN
What about visitors?
DR. MARKUS
There are none. There are no outside items after this point. All your bags have been checked downstairs when you signed in.
GAYLE
Do we have to press the red button when we need to use the facilities?
DR. MARKUS
No, women’s facilities are on the left there.
(She gestures USR.)
Men’s are on the right.
(Same USR.)
AC
What do we do if we want out? Say a week from now, when I’m tired of crapping in a Cool Whip can, and I’m ready to go home... What do we do?
DR. MARKUS
(beat) Technically, you are free to excuse yourself from testing at any time. However, there is no payment if there are no results.
MAGGIE
Wait. NO ONE gets paid if only ONE of us decides to quit?
DR. MARKUS
Our client’s contract is very specific. Only the client or the facility can terminate a clinical trial for either positive or negative reasons.
DEAN
That’s kind of jacked up.
DR. MARKUS
I’m sorry. (beat) At this point, you all need to be sure you want to participate. After today, it will be very difficult on everyone if you do not finish the trial.
(Long silence.)
LEE
How many trials does this facility run at the same time?
DR. MARKUS
Well, we generally do not give that information out liberally, but this week we have three trials administered in THIS facility. We have several other facilities in the country.
LEE
What kinds of conditions is the facility usually looking into?
DR. MARKUS
Without going into too much detail, we’ve aided several research projects for media involving obesity, diabetes, asthma, eczema and other skin conditions, some neurological disorders, chemical dependancies...
(Suddenly, in the corridor, a VOLUNTEER runs up to the USC entrance, banging on the door.)
VOLUNTEER
(yelling) DOES ANYONE IN HERE HAVE A CIGARETTE?!
(He sees TECHNICIAN LANCE approach and runs away. Lance runs after him.)
DR. MARKUS
(pause) Would you excuse me for a minute?
(She quickly crosses USC, exits and follows the chase. All participants sit in silence a moment.)
LEE
So...what’s everyone gonna’ do?
AC
Well, I need the money. I’m staying.
MAGGIE
Me too.
DEAN
Me too.
LEE
(to Gayle and Tammy) Ladies?
TAMMY
I’m staying.
GAYLE
(beat) I will too.
MAGGIE
(to Lee) What about YOU, fatboy?
LEE
Well, I’M not gonna’ be the one to ruin it for everyone else. I’m in.
DEAN
Did they already assign us which bedroom is who’s?
TAMMY
No.
(Dean leaps off the couch.)
DEAN
If there’s one with a wet bar, its mine!
(He grabs his sack and crosses DSL, exits. The others stand and grab their things. Lee crosses to Gayle who carries a large piece of travel luggage.)
LEE
Can I please help you with this?
GAYLE
(beat) Fine.
(He takes hold of her luggage and crosses DSL. One by one, the others exit DSL as lights fade to black.)
End of Scene Two.